Thursday, January 26, 2006

pins and needles


I'm not good at it.

It sucks, and I mean big time.

Yet it appears to be the thing I do the most of these days. For example, right now, I'm waiting for a call to find out if I'm in the play or not. I'm also waiting for my toes to warm up, waiting for the time when I can leave for Peace Corps, waiting for that special someone to sweep me off my feet. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I hate it. I feel like life is out there, happening, and I'm stuck in the far lane of traffic, unable to get to the action. I feel the minutes of my life ticking by, fading into oblivion, into a universe that I can't visit. And they are gone, my minutes are gone. My hands are tied against doing anything but waving at the minutes as they traipse out the door. I feel like I should be doing something, anything, but there are walls everywhere and I'm fresh out of dynamite to bust through them.

Ever feel like that? While it's a horrid feeling, it would be nice to know that others feel it too. I keep trying to make the most of each day but when each day is a copy more or less of the day before, you start to wonder what exactly is the point.

What are you waiting for? What holds you back? These are the questions I'm pondering now. Seems like the only thing useful in the waiting is the thinking, as long as I don't do too much of that. I over analyze, I've been told. I'll chew on things until they are unrecognizable fragments of the thoughts they once were. Too much chewing is bad for the heart so I try to keep it to a limit, but the longer I wait, the more I think and the nasty little cycle starts again.

So, I think I'll go read one of my new books and try to not wait for that call. Why I'm anxious about a call that is going to say "thanks but no thanks" I can't quite figure, but I'm trying not to think about that to much.

Farewell. Good night sweet void, please be kind to my minutes as they fly through you tonight.


Anonymous said...

Waiting? Why of course we all do it! I'm waiting to find out where we will move next and when within the next year! waiting to see if it will be in the states, so I can start my search for the perfect job, whatever that is! Waiting on my illustrations for my children's book so I can get published. Waiting for 3 months as I eat a new way and workout like a maniac to get my body in the shape I want. Waiting is hard, but I am learning that I have to make it fun or I will never make it through this life thinking about anything else. Life is full of unknowns and I have to remind myself of the adventure of unknowns or I will get bogged down in the waiting and get a stomach ulcer instead.
I hope your waiting is bearable. Is there a way you can think of it as fun and an adventure?

Anonymous said...

Sorry, that was me, vocalviolinist. :)

Sara said...

I've tried (thinking of it as an adventure) but after years, there is just no fun left in it. When you feel like there is so much more out there and you are being held back, there is precious little solace to be had. At least you know there will be changes soon (at least with where you are living) so that's something. Round here, there hasn't been much, just the same old same old. But as there is nothing to do but wait, here I sit :)